- Wooden Toy Features -

SUPERGIRLS FEATURE (YOUR GUIDE TO BEING A SUPERHEROINE) // By Simon Smithson

It’s a tough life being a female superhero. Sure- you get to hang out with a team of likewise super-powered types, fighting crime and evil and the attempts of local nerds to get a glance of you changing at night. But really, think for a second. How far can any woman really trust a male team-mate who has x-ray eyes? Iceman’s frigid, Quicksilver is…well, quick… and it would really only be a matter of time before Mr. Fantastic coughs politely and says ‘you know, you really only have to ask if you want me to stretch… you know.’

Some may argue that the point of comics isn’t to reduce everything to juvenile sexual fantasies. And that’s a good point. Comics are also about lasers. Lasers that sometimes have really, really big chests.

The problem with being a mainstream female superhero is that you’ve got a lot of pressure on you to conform. Forget Britney Spears getting caught holding the wrong bottle of soft drink (although, given her penchant for not wearing underpants, it might be easier for her to just get some logos tattooed on her inner thigh), when you’re a superheroine, you have to really watch yourself. Superheroines have to look good, be flexible, and be witty while fighting evil geniuses, giant spiders, and cellulite.

It’s not an easy task, and that’s why they get paid the big bucks. Not that superheroes get paid, which raises the interesting question of how they manage to pay the rent. ‘Living On My Buddy Mike’s Couch For A While, Just While I Get My Act Together Man’ doesn’t really have the kind of ring to it that puts fear into the hearts of evildoers.

The point is, being a superheroine takes a lot of work. If you’re going to hang out with the queen bees (Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Hilary Clinton) then you have to put in the hard yards. There are three major categories that any self-respecting superheroine should focus on: having an awesome figure, wearing outfits that are revealing but not slutty, and making witty banter. The powers themselves are secondary to these three factors.

FACTOR ONE: Having An Awesome Figure.

Absolutely, without a doubt, the single most important attribute for a superheroine. It’s a well-known fact that the abilities of a super-powered woman are directly related to her cup size. After all, what other explanation could there be for the abundance of DD-sized women on the X-Men’s battle roster? Of course, they may not in fact by DD. They may just be a D, but the total absence of any fat on their waists may just make their chests look bigger.

I know that I am not alone in scoffing at any woman who dons the mantle of ‘superhero’ without a killer six-pack (because, as we all know, the only people who have better abs than cartoon characters are the guys who write articles about female superheroes for magazines). If I’m being held captive by Dr. Doom I want to know for sure that my rescuer isn’t going to stop off for ice-cream along the way. Where superheroes get lucky is that saving the world on a weekly basis is a great cardio workout- not as good as a boxercise class, but very close. Jumping from rooftop to rooftop is also guaranteed to tone the glutes faster than half an hour on the Stairmaster, although it does come with the added danger of being sued for messing up people’s guttering.

Unfortunately a fairly high level of flexibility is expected, so, while it is mysteriously never shown in the comics, it’s safe to assume that to be a female superhero, you’d have to sign up for a fairly intensive program of yoga and Pilates. Possibly even at the expense of Grey’s Anatomy.

FACTOR TWO: Wearing Outfits That Are Revealing But Not Slutty.

Like the black hats and the white hats of cowboy towns, there is a simple code for telling who is good and who is evil when it comes to women in comics.

Revealing Outfit = Good.

Slutty Outfit = Evil.

It’s a simple as that. This is why male superheroes, upon meeting a new woman, go into a quick huddle.

‘So, what do we think?’
‘Well, she is showing a lot of leg…’
‘But is it too much?’
‘No, I think it’s just enough. She can totally be on the team.’

Somewhere in downtown New York there is a store that specialises in selling outfits that never manage to create a wardrobe malfunction, no matter how often they are hit by sonic waves, hydrochloric acid, or waves of lava (although, like all clothes, everywhere, they are helpless against the powers of Justin Timberlake).

The biggest problem facing a superheroine’s wardrobe is, of course, the fashion implications. It’s all very well to be looking your best when you step out for a night of beating information out of henchmen, but exactly where will you be going? Will your yellow spandex outfit blend? If you’re going to be heading to the Antarctic to duke it out in some supervillain’s lair, should you take a coat? Or does he or she have ducted heating installed? Would Wonder Woman’s tights be suitable in such a situation? After all, a golden breastplate is more of a summer look.

FACTOR THREE: Making Witty Banter

While it’s not as hard as, say, making polite conversation at a Young Liberals Convention, a superheroine is expected to be able to hold her own with the threats of villains. A collection of quick one-liners, suitable for any situation, is invaluable. Memorised stock phrases are just as potent an addition to the superheroine’s arsenal as any magic boomerang. The trick is to make them a little bit clever, a little bit funny, and a little bit classy. The classic ‘So’s your mum’ just isn’t going to cut the mustard when the Sandman is telling you that he’s going to crush you like a bug.

The best suggestion is to watch as many late eighties/early nineties action movies as possible for material (although feel free to avoid Under Siege 2). Bruce Willis movies are generally a goldmine, although quoting Hudson Hawk even once will cause your team-mates and the villain of the week to team up and administer quick retribution to you.

To be fair, you would deserve it.

One thing to remember is that when fighting a pitched villain with the forces of darkness, the same rules apply as in a break-up situation; that is to say that personal insults are totally cool, and often expected. Don’t worry about hurting feelings or exacerbating deep-seated psychological issues, if a bad guy has a giant horn in the middle of his forehead, or oozes slime, or thinks that they might be a little overweight (in which case they might be a former superheroine turned bad) then by all means loudly point it out, and invite passers-by to join in.

At some point, should you decide to take up a career as a superheroine, you will of course need to fall into a pool of some weird goo, or get hit by cosmic rays, or read a Tony Robbins book from cover to cover in one sitting. It will be a strange transition from ordinary citizen to superpowered do-gooder. When tax time comes around you will now be able to simply crack your knuckles in a meaningful way and tell the taxman that if he ever knocks on your door again, he’d better bring his own bandages (after all, you’re probably going to need that money for breast implants). But far more important than any tax exemptions, far more important then fighting the good fight, far more important even than having the best conversational icebreaker known to mankind, being a superheroine carries with it one sacred tradition that should, nay, must be upheld.

CONCLUSION: WEAR A TIGHT-FITTING, LOW-CUT TOP!